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Diary of a Cat

Monday: Today I decided that I was going to spend the entire day sleeping in the big human's bed. All was going well until the smallest human crawled into it with me, and decided to use me as a pillow. I tried to tunnel my way to freedom from under the blankets, but he grabbed my tail. Once I marked him as a "bad human" with my claws, I made my way under the bed. Where I could watch him and plan his next punishment.

Tuesday: The little human has been sufficiently punished, for now anyways. The two girl kittens -Thing one and Thing two attacked him when he tried to stand on them to look out the window.

Wednesday: The humans are eating shrimp for dinner. I find it rather rude, that they have not offered any to me. I tried to get her to drop some, weaving in and out of her legs while she was cooking and then as she carried it to the table, but no such luck. I waited under the table for one of the small humans to drop a piece. Finally, the little one dropped one on the floor. I was just about to get it, when the cat they call "Mouse" came from nowhere and snatched it. I'll punish him later.

Thursday: The humans do not like it when I get on top of the refrigerator, so I try to do it when they are not home. But "Mouse" must be punished. I wait for him to walk by. And wait. And wait. He must know I'm here. That's ok. I'm patient. Unfortunately I fell asleep while waiting, so I did not hear the humans come in. I was quite rudely knocked off the top of the fridge with a broom. Maybe tomorrow I'll get him.

Friday: The lady human fell asleep on the couch while the small ones were sleeping. Mouse is lying on top of her chest. He thinks he's safe there. I manage to claw my way up to the top of the bookshelf and I got him and we tumble to the floor! He is NO match for me! Stupid kitten! Then the human throws both of us outside. That was uncalled for, I was merely disciplining the kitten. The human was collateral damage.

Saturday: All the humans are here today. Big ones, little ones, and strange ones I don't recognize. I will sit on them. They should honor and revere the queen of the house. One of the strange ones tries to push me off. They don't seem to understand the growl emitting from me. I am trying to tell them this is an honor and they should be pleased. So I dig my claws into their thighs to prove my point. Once again, I am rudely escorted outside. I live with barbarians.

Sunday: Mouse has been taunting his siblings and they are wrecking havoc through the house. Racing back and forth, jumping on tables and counters. Such foolishness must be punished. I lie in wait behind a door frame. The next cat to run by gets it! I hear running I wait, not yet...not yet....patience...and I go for it! Unfortunately it was not one of the kittens, but the large brutish dog. He needs to be punished for his sheer existence in this home. I grab onto his nose and he yelps like a puppy. Wimpy dog. I don't care how big he is, I can take him! Let the kittens take that as a warning. If I can make a 160 pound dog cry, imagine what I can do to them! The kittens go into the other room to sleep. And I find the newspaper the human is reading and curl up in that to recoup from my exhaustive week.

Mandie Zoot is a contributer to the Cats Blog and Cat Forum at My Cat Wears Clothes!

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